you dont want this
sometimes it's delightful to have a close friend, but trust me you don't want this to be that way again

well perhaps, you're just feeling lonely
but you can't do this to her
remember the last time you play this part?
you ended up having thousand thoughts of her all around the place inside your head
she got flowers bloom in her heart, she fell into you then you began asking yourself where to cut it off
and after that everything becomes f*cking awkward

it's not about you
if you really care, then please act like you really care of her condition only
be there as a friend, create comfortness instead of trying to impress her

Blind

well at first, i was glad to call you and acting as if u're my younger sister. i never had a younger siblings so yeah i'm excited to have you as my sister. i was wondering that i could be your brother whom u can tell all the story u had, talking about life, school, your best friend, boys who flirt on you, your  exes, ur dreams, an so much more. yet things didn't work out that way, i'm too busy with my cutting & sticking things (work) and of course the medicine things. and you busy doing ur school things until i, well actually this is one of my duty due to your real siblings is far away catching her study. so of course, me as your sister's boyfriend suppose to look after you. but yeah, i abandoned with who u're hanging out with, your college mates, or maybe your social life for more specific.

she's actually grown enough already, she's 21 years old by now. but what makes it intricating is that for this age, this sister mind hasn't mature enough. she doesnt know how choosing the right path, she is bad in making decision, she cannot see the impact if she took this way then it would go that way, if took that way would go this way. and i feel so deeply bad for that.

i always try giving advise to her on how to do with ur life, how you should treat your family, and especially on how to make savings. i always tell her that life isnt about the money u make, the pretty face u want, or even the fame u get.

i know you've been carrying those problems all by yourself. i know that u want it too, having a normal life, dinner with family, looking pretty among your friends, but i'm really sorry sweetheart, things didnt go that way for you

i just want you to understand on how your sister out there, is really put all her efforts to make you happy. and hearing that you sneak around leaving jakarta to jogja just to see ur boyfriend, without her permission, is really broke her heart. i mean, please dear, for this temporary moment, at least listen to her.

i dont really like to judge people without knowing his personality by myself. but for your boyfriend, oh please, a real man would never let his lover having a 520 km journey alone just so you can see her. and it's just for 2 days long, and besides your lover has a job and class schedule too. dont u think about that man. sacrificing your girlfriend's time, job, duty, just to see you for 2 days. a real man would never allowed his girl to take that for her own good

now i really dont know how to keep in touch with u. i really really dissapointed by how u treat ur sister. i feel bad for you, but how am i suppose to do, for it has been your own decision and you would face the impact by yourself.

APRIL 2016

I hate you the most.

GOBBLEDYGOOK

we were having a good conversation on the phone three days ago. that was good, and great instead. and for maybe the first time ever, you didn't sound defensive or got mad at me or like you think i'm an intruder.

i wish that there was some chance of talking like yesterday on the phone after tonight, or seeing each other. like, really seeing each other. of being alone, together.

i want to be with you all the time. you're the most unpredictable girl i've ever met, and the funniest, and everything you do surprises me. and i wish i could say that those are the reasons i like you.

every time i see you in class i can't help my heartbeats. that's probably why i looked so stupid in front of you, and why i snap at you. all i do when we're apart is think about you, and all i do when we're together is panic. because every second feels so important. and because i'm so out of control, i can't help myself. all the things that i've managed to talk to suddenly turned into gobbledygook in my mouth.

i thought as much

you just pulling that silent disappointment face on me. and then we had our debate till it finally came out from your mouth. "i don't want to have a chat with you"
i have no idea about what's inside your head. how could it be that we were fine, i mean real fine. then suddenly you turn into that fucking ruthless pathetic person again. damn i guess you would never understand how i feel inside.

you don't have to act like that you know. i'm not even trying to get to you. chill.
but thanks for saying that to me. i really appreciate that. and at least i know one thing for sure.

so i don't have to sit around looking stupid

i don't know in which phase we actually are. we both just don't talk to each other again. you don't even read my messages. it just feels like we only go backwards. fuck

what i hate the most is that you don't even try to tell me how you feel. if you don't want to talk to me, just tell me. if i'm getting on your nerves, just let me know. i at least deserve to know. and i swear i will understand.

please, is this what you want? is this who you are?

ruthless puzzle

so it's been 4 days we have our relationship back to normal after 2-years-no-conversation between us.   three days ago, it was wednesday for exactly. i took her into a food store to talk about what really happen between us for the past 2 years. and it was good, so relieving.

for the second times we hangout together, it was good. yeah i always feel comfortable having a conversation with you. besides, i just figure out something new about you. and it makes me feel a bit cranky. but i really shouldn't talk about that here. the less you know (blog readers) the better.

so anyway, at that moment you told me the full story i've been waiting for from a long time ago. it beats my heart knowing that you read my blog at that moment 2 years ago. i feel so fucking embarrassed. and it's not only you. in fact, you read my blog because your friend told you that i write about you on my blog. damn i feel more embarrassed now. and more, you told me that not only your friend, but also the whole girl on the class read it too. :''''''''(
now everytime i meet my classmates, the girl, i feel so stupid.

by the way, it was so surprising when you told me that every guy that ever had a feeling for you they all become your enemy. no i mean the friendship between you and them becomes awkward. which mean you never manage them properly. poor them.
really, you should stop doing that. it is a bad thing you know.

well that's it. i can't tell so much about that day. the important thing is that we already have our peace, we say hi to each other again, we feel no more awkward between us. goodnight.

i just want to share

bukankah saya bersyukur atas semua kenikmatan yg Allah berikan?

ya, itu adalah pertanyaan yg selalu membuat saya bersemangat dalam beribadah. tiap kali saya malas beribadah saya selalu mempertanyakan hal tersebut pada diri saya sendiri. dan kemudian menjadi bersemangat.

hari ini, saya mendengar nasihat yg membuka pandangan saya lebih luas, yg mengatakan bahwa kita manusia sungguh lah kecil. tidak perlu sombong atas hal kita miliki. layaknya tukang parkir, ia memiliki banyak kendaraan tetapi ia tidak sombong. karena ia tau bahwa kendaraan itu hanyalah titipan. sama seperti kita manusia, semua hal yg kita miliki hanyalah titipan dari Allah Sang Maha Pencipta, maka sungguh tidak pantas jika kita menyombongkan barang yg dititipkan kepada kita.
ya, kira2 seperti itu nasihatnya.

hal ini sungguh membuat saya berpikir. ya betul, semua hanyalah titipan. harta, ilmu, raga, jiwa, rupa, dan lain lain. semua hanyalah titipan. yang mana kita tau bahwa titipan hanyalah barang yg dititipkan, yg sewaktu waktu dapat diambil kembali oleh pemiliknya.
lalu saya berpikir lagi. maka sungguh lah kecil manusia. tidak ada apa apanya.

saya teringat dulu ketika masih kecil. kami bertiga, saya, kakak saya, dan ibu saya. di malam hari, secara rutin berangkat dari rumah menuju masjid untuk mengaji dengan naik angkot dan berjalan kaki. pada waktu itu, ayah saya selalu pulang larut, sehingga ia langsung menuju masjid dari kantornya.
kami rela berangkat malam hari menuju masjid naik angkot dan berjalan kaki untuk mengaji membela agama Allah. pada waktu itu, saya masih kecil, sehingga saya tidak tau apa itu bersyukur, membela agama, mengaji, ataupun pahala. yg saya tau hanyalah keluarga saya rutin mengaji ke masjid. mengaji Al-Qur'an dan hadist tentunya.
semuanya terekam jelas dalam memori saya. berjalan kaki ke depan komplek, naik angkot, mengaji pada malam hari. ada kalanya ketika ayah saya sedang dinas ke luar kota. maka kami bertiga pulang dengan naik angkot lagi. ketika sampai depan komplek, ibu saya kerap menanyakan kakak saya "mau jajan ga le? kalo jajan berarti pulangnya jalan kaki. kalo ga jajan ya naik becak." ya, karena begitu minimnya uang yg kami miliki.

dan sekarang, sungguh saya sangat bersyukur. sekarang keluarga kami tidak harus naik angkot dan berjalan kaki untuk berangkat ngaji. saya menyadari bahwa harta yg sekarang dititipkan adalah pembalasan Allah terhadap membela agama Allah ini. ya, saya memang menyadari pembalasan nikmat yg Allah berikan. akan tetapi ketika mendengar nasihat tersebut, hati saya langsung tertegun teringat bagaimana dulu keluarga saya menetapi pada agama ini.

manusia sudah sepantasnya tidak sombong terhadap apa apa yg dimilikinya. dan maksut saya sombong adalah berpikir bahwa harta, jabatan, ilmu, gelar, dan lain lain yg ia miliki adalah atas usahanya sendiri dalam menekuninya. bukan semata-mata nikmat yg Allah berikan.
kita sebagai manusia, hanyalah diwajibkan untuk bersyukur atas segala kenikmatan yg telah Allah berikan. dan barang siapa yg bersyukur maka akan ditambah kenikmatan atas dirinya.

maka, bukankah saya bersyukur atas harta yg Allah berikan ini?
bukankah saya bersyukur atas raga yg Allah berikan ini?
bukankah saya bersyukur atas rupa yg Allah berikan ini?
bukankah saya bersyukur atas ilmu yg Allah berikan ini?

maka tunjukanlah rasa bersyukur mu dengan menggunakan kenikmatan yang telah Allah berikan untuk beribadah.

dan mungkin, ini bisa menjadi pertanyaan untuk diri kita masing masing agar lebih meningkatkan ibadah kita dan agar mencegah kita dari perbuatan jelek. seperti contoh, pertanyaan seperti "bukankah saya bersyukur atas mata yg bisa melihat ini? lantas kenapa saya malah menggunakan mata ini untuk melihat hal hal yg jelek."
oleh karena itu, tunjukan lah rasa syukur mu dengan menggunakan mata ini untuk membaca Al-Qur'an :)

i think we should try this in every time we intend to do bad things, goodluck :D

I met this girl as my junior team mate. she was kind, good looking, and sociable. she got my attention since the inaguration of the new basketball member. We start to know each other, we often talk, chat, we hang out together, we laugh, we share our stories, we spend lunch time together, and so many more.
I enjoy those things much. she often gave me a hug while i'm driving, she always proud of me. everything seems right.
but then i figure out something about her that i never heard before in my life. ever since i knew that, i kinda lost my feelings on her. we still making out together, having lunch together, yet i dont care about her at all. and after that, we often have a fight, we try to discuss it but no, we never solve it, i mean we apolgize but there's always something new that made us fight again. and it always happen right after we go on a date. it's like, i dont know, we making out together, we holding hands, we say goodnight before bed, we do sweet things, but we always feel like there's something that not fit in each of us.

as the time goes by, she falls in me too deep, she often asked me if i love her or not. i said yes, however, i really doubt about it.
yesterday, we hang out together and bought you an ice cream. on the way home i talked to her about what really happen between us. we enjoy every single thing we do but there's always something that feels not right in each of us. and i said how about we end this up, i've been tired having so much fight with you, it seems not right at all. she looked upset, she kept her voice in silence. then she said, i dont know i'm tired, i just wanna lay down on my bed.
I hold her hand staring in the eyes

I just wanna say thanks for all the time you've shared, all the things you've done, all the attention you gave me. i really appreciate that. and i'm really sorry for letting you down. i hope you'll find a guy that fits to you, who can understand your thoughts and the things you're up to.
whatever happens, happens. you've tried your best, let your heart move on.

in mean time later

alright, so lets just say it's over and make it simple. maybe we're not meant to be match for each other, to go to that way. maybe we can make it someday, somehow, in the other line.
after all, i never enjoy the every single of our conversation lately. even if when you sounds excited. i don't know. the first time we met we both were so extremely excited. you know.... i was exactly, hehe. you just excited, not extremely. but you just so... unpredictable. no, hot and cold, perhaps. well actually it's not my rights to judge you while i just known you for a couple months. but that's the way i feel.
one day you went like a good listener, in other day you went boring, and another day again you were so excited. i don't know whether you playin me, or you wanna figure out how good i am. or maybe you want something you used to have from your last relationship and try to make it with me then suddenly you realize that you're not even ready for that. but it's okay, none of your fault.
i guess i'm tired to hope. it gets worse everyday with this something-i-dont-know with you. though it isn't easy for me to let it go. cause i care already.
maybe i took this too far. i was too excited about you. or maybe it's been wrong right from the start.
but thanks for being nice after all this time.

Evade

you always said that every where, thousands fucking times. dude, pain is just pain. nothing special in pain, in fact every single human feels pain. what becomes the problem is that your thought about pain demands to be felt. hell no, pain is just pain. shit happens sometimes, however, you can always choose how you will face it.
so instead of keep on saying that retarted word, i think you should just let it go. just accept that he's a real jerk. and about your relationship, well it's over. you just broke up, i mean, yeah, everyone has got to do it sometimes, it's okay, let it go.

but no, i'm not saying like this so that you can move on as quick and go hangout with me. no at all, it is just i feel like something in you has to be straighten up.

well perhaps you know neither that i've written a lot about you, nor  that i have a blog. but yeah, just in case somehow you know about my blog.

so that's all, stay tough, stay gorgeous.
i would love to have a conversation with you, i really wish that we could spend times together. just both of us, talking about our lives and understands.

RIMA MENGANGA

melulu mengenai cinta
padahal kau mungkin tak tahu apa itu cinta
gundah hati selalu ingin mencari cinta
walau harus korbankan waktu dan habiskan tenaga

pilu hati selalu alami kisah cinta pedih
kala terjatuh dan tertatih - tatih
pun demikian dijalani demi mencari yang sehati
padahal ada satu hal pasti menanti
ujian terintergrasi

hal terakhir ku alami tentang cinta
gadis manis bernama *****ra
di wajahnya senyum manis selalu tertera
tetapi dia sedang terlihat merana
putus cinta yang tak pernah dia kira

ingin hati mencoba menghibur
tapi apa daya dia tetap tersungkur
makin ku coba tuk menghibur
tapi ku takut akan tidak membaur

lupakan saja dia yang melukaimu
jangan biarkan air mata menghapus senyum mu
hargai dirimu untuk melupakan dia yang tak pantas untuk mu
lihatlah sekitar, cerah dunia menanti kembali senyum mu

tapi apa daya ku tuk membantu melepas belenggu
salah salah malah jadi mengganggu
dan apa daya ku untuk tidak mengganggu
hanya terduduk setia menunggu

KU AKAN TERUS KERAS BERNYANYI.

cepet sembuh ya, bed rest yg banyak

jujur gua lebih suka lo ngomong langsung. walaupun sakit ya tapi emang bener gitu kan, fair kok. gua menghargai alesan lo kenapa ga bales line gua lagi. lo msh pengen sama dia. gua gabisa bilang apa apa lagi kalo emang kayak gitu faktanya. se-"ganteng2"-nya hal yg gua lakuin, ya tetep gabisa gua kalahin, dia cowok yg pernah bikin lo jatuh hati, bikin hari hari lo berarti, bikin lo senyum2 karena tingkahnya. gua? ha ha ha lo siapa nya reeey.
tapi gua udh terlanjur, terlajur semuanya. terlanjur suka, terlanjur seneng, terlanjur care sama lo. gua suka bgt kalo pas lg ngobrol sama lo, gatau kenapa. tapi yaudah lah, sabar. good luck ya sama yg disana.
gua ga benci ataupun marah sama lo, krn lo berani jelasin lgsg ke gua. selow, bener kok hal yg lo lakuin. fair buat gua.

at least respect me enough to tell me what's up. if you dont want to talk to me, just tell me. if i'm getting on your nerves, just let me know. if you're losing feelings, dont keep me waiting just to lead me on or play me. i at least deserve to know. so instead of keeping things to yourself just be straight up and honest with me so i dont have to sit around looking stupid

what disturbs me so bad

well maybe this is the worst feeling i've ever had. I mean, yeah, girls.
last week on thursday april 10th, we had our first date. and I really felt like "oh god I finally find the perfect girl". we were hanging out together, great conversation, we laughed a lot, had really so much fun, however, in every minute you always said that you shouldn't hangout with me like this, that there's one of your best friend likes me and talks about me alot. and you can't do this. you said it thousands fucking times, but i always denied to talk about and keep on ignoring it. untill in the end before I took you home, i started to worry about your friend then i asked "how about your best friend?" and you told me "it's okay, i will slowly talk to her". it really makes me calm and happy.

well after all, it's just so perfect between us, and i know you feel the same way too. i couldn't stop singing all the way home, like thoudsands of flowers in my head. and dream comes true dude.

but the next day, suddenly it all chaged. i asked you again to hangout but you strictly push me that you really shouldn't go on date with me the previous day, that you've betrayed your best friend.
then i went to your home, asked you to come out and discuss to solve the problem together. but you said no, hell no. no that you dont want to see me, no that you dont want to talk about anymore, no that you're done with this.
damn, for a long time that i dont have a relationship, you really broke my heart. how could it be that yesterday we were so perfect then today we ended up like this.
i just wait outside, in front of your house, sitting alone staring at my cell phone, had a chat with you but you just keep on saying that we're not gonna make it.
it's getting late at night, but i just wait outside hoping that you're gonna come out and discuss this together. but yeah, i was a fool hoping that way.
in the end, at about 10 o'clock i give up. i sent you a voice message saying goodbye and my deepest apology for disturbing your time. i went home with tears, i cant stand for it.

the sun arises, a new day begins. still you in my mind, i cant get you out of my head. it's a midtest day, i was thinking to meet you after the test. but what happen, you ask your boy friends to back you up and tell me to go away. for the second time dude, you really broke my heart again. i mean why girls are so complicated, why dont we both just talk, solve it together, and get things done. dammit.
my point is, why you ignore your heart just because your best friend, which actually you still can talk with her.

i guess you woud have hated me now

day by day just past
i feel so terrible ever since, you never want to see me again. we never say hi, you always avoiding me, i dont know what am i suppose to do with this.
thousands of why playin in my head
i cant sleep, i cant focus, i cant stop thinking about you, i swallow every single pain, i see your smile everywhere.

please, we're still friends right?

I will be there
Always be near
And we can go all the way
Everytime I secretly hope that you’ll treat me differently

To every sleepless nights we’ve spent
Talking about our lives and understand

I will be here when he's gone