i thought as much

you just pulling that silent disappointment face on me. and then we had our debate till it finally came out from your mouth. "i don't want to have a chat with you"
i have no idea about what's inside your head. how could it be that we were fine, i mean real fine. then suddenly you turn into that fucking ruthless pathetic person again. damn i guess you would never understand how i feel inside.

you don't have to act like that you know. i'm not even trying to get to you. chill.
but thanks for saying that to me. i really appreciate that. and at least i know one thing for sure.

so i don't have to sit around looking stupid

i don't know in which phase we actually are. we both just don't talk to each other again. you don't even read my messages. it just feels like we only go backwards. fuck

what i hate the most is that you don't even try to tell me how you feel. if you don't want to talk to me, just tell me. if i'm getting on your nerves, just let me know. i at least deserve to know. and i swear i will understand.

please, is this what you want? is this who you are?

ruthless puzzle

so it's been 4 days we have our relationship back to normal after 2-years-no-conversation between us.   three days ago, it was wednesday for exactly. i took her into a food store to talk about what really happen between us for the past 2 years. and it was good, so relieving.

for the second times we hangout together, it was good. yeah i always feel comfortable having a conversation with you. besides, i just figure out something new about you. and it makes me feel a bit cranky. but i really shouldn't talk about that here. the less you know (blog readers) the better.

so anyway, at that moment you told me the full story i've been waiting for from a long time ago. it beats my heart knowing that you read my blog at that moment 2 years ago. i feel so fucking embarrassed. and it's not only you. in fact, you read my blog because your friend told you that i write about you on my blog. damn i feel more embarrassed now. and more, you told me that not only your friend, but also the whole girl on the class read it too. :''''''''(
now everytime i meet my classmates, the girl, i feel so stupid.

by the way, it was so surprising when you told me that every guy that ever had a feeling for you they all become your enemy. no i mean the friendship between you and them becomes awkward. which mean you never manage them properly. poor them.
really, you should stop doing that. it is a bad thing you know.

well that's it. i can't tell so much about that day. the important thing is that we already have our peace, we say hi to each other again, we feel no more awkward between us. goodnight.

i just want to share

bukankah saya bersyukur atas semua kenikmatan yg Allah berikan?

ya, itu adalah pertanyaan yg selalu membuat saya bersemangat dalam beribadah. tiap kali saya malas beribadah saya selalu mempertanyakan hal tersebut pada diri saya sendiri. dan kemudian menjadi bersemangat.

hari ini, saya mendengar nasihat yg membuka pandangan saya lebih luas, yg mengatakan bahwa kita manusia sungguh lah kecil. tidak perlu sombong atas hal kita miliki. layaknya tukang parkir, ia memiliki banyak kendaraan tetapi ia tidak sombong. karena ia tau bahwa kendaraan itu hanyalah titipan. sama seperti kita manusia, semua hal yg kita miliki hanyalah titipan dari Allah Sang Maha Pencipta, maka sungguh tidak pantas jika kita menyombongkan barang yg dititipkan kepada kita.
ya, kira2 seperti itu nasihatnya.

hal ini sungguh membuat saya berpikir. ya betul, semua hanyalah titipan. harta, ilmu, raga, jiwa, rupa, dan lain lain. semua hanyalah titipan. yang mana kita tau bahwa titipan hanyalah barang yg dititipkan, yg sewaktu waktu dapat diambil kembali oleh pemiliknya.
lalu saya berpikir lagi. maka sungguh lah kecil manusia. tidak ada apa apanya.

saya teringat dulu ketika masih kecil. kami bertiga, saya, kakak saya, dan ibu saya. di malam hari, secara rutin berangkat dari rumah menuju masjid untuk mengaji dengan naik angkot dan berjalan kaki. pada waktu itu, ayah saya selalu pulang larut, sehingga ia langsung menuju masjid dari kantornya.
kami rela berangkat malam hari menuju masjid naik angkot dan berjalan kaki untuk mengaji membela agama Allah. pada waktu itu, saya masih kecil, sehingga saya tidak tau apa itu bersyukur, membela agama, mengaji, ataupun pahala. yg saya tau hanyalah keluarga saya rutin mengaji ke masjid. mengaji Al-Qur'an dan hadist tentunya.
semuanya terekam jelas dalam memori saya. berjalan kaki ke depan komplek, naik angkot, mengaji pada malam hari. ada kalanya ketika ayah saya sedang dinas ke luar kota. maka kami bertiga pulang dengan naik angkot lagi. ketika sampai depan komplek, ibu saya kerap menanyakan kakak saya "mau jajan ga le? kalo jajan berarti pulangnya jalan kaki. kalo ga jajan ya naik becak." ya, karena begitu minimnya uang yg kami miliki.

dan sekarang, sungguh saya sangat bersyukur. sekarang keluarga kami tidak harus naik angkot dan berjalan kaki untuk berangkat ngaji. saya menyadari bahwa harta yg sekarang dititipkan adalah pembalasan Allah terhadap membela agama Allah ini. ya, saya memang menyadari pembalasan nikmat yg Allah berikan. akan tetapi ketika mendengar nasihat tersebut, hati saya langsung tertegun teringat bagaimana dulu keluarga saya menetapi pada agama ini.

manusia sudah sepantasnya tidak sombong terhadap apa apa yg dimilikinya. dan maksut saya sombong adalah berpikir bahwa harta, jabatan, ilmu, gelar, dan lain lain yg ia miliki adalah atas usahanya sendiri dalam menekuninya. bukan semata-mata nikmat yg Allah berikan.
kita sebagai manusia, hanyalah diwajibkan untuk bersyukur atas segala kenikmatan yg telah Allah berikan. dan barang siapa yg bersyukur maka akan ditambah kenikmatan atas dirinya.

maka, bukankah saya bersyukur atas harta yg Allah berikan ini?
bukankah saya bersyukur atas raga yg Allah berikan ini?
bukankah saya bersyukur atas rupa yg Allah berikan ini?
bukankah saya bersyukur atas ilmu yg Allah berikan ini?

maka tunjukanlah rasa bersyukur mu dengan menggunakan kenikmatan yang telah Allah berikan untuk beribadah.

dan mungkin, ini bisa menjadi pertanyaan untuk diri kita masing masing agar lebih meningkatkan ibadah kita dan agar mencegah kita dari perbuatan jelek. seperti contoh, pertanyaan seperti "bukankah saya bersyukur atas mata yg bisa melihat ini? lantas kenapa saya malah menggunakan mata ini untuk melihat hal hal yg jelek."
oleh karena itu, tunjukan lah rasa syukur mu dengan menggunakan mata ini untuk membaca Al-Qur'an :)

i think we should try this in every time we intend to do bad things, goodluck :D

I met this girl as my junior team mate. she was kind, good looking, and sociable. she got my attention since the inaguration of the new basketball member. We start to know each other, we often talk, chat, we hang out together, we laugh, we share our stories, we spend lunch time together, and so many more.
I enjoy those things much. she often gave me a hug while i'm driving, she always proud of me. everything seems right.
but then i figure out something about her that i never heard before in my life. ever since i knew that, i kinda lost my feelings on her. we still making out together, having lunch together, yet i dont care about her at all. and after that, we often have a fight, we try to discuss it but no, we never solve it, i mean we apolgize but there's always something new that made us fight again. and it always happen right after we go on a date. it's like, i dont know, we making out together, we holding hands, we say goodnight before bed, we do sweet things, but we always feel like there's something that not fit in each of us.

as the time goes by, she falls in me too deep, she often asked me if i love her or not. i said yes, however, i really doubt about it.
yesterday, we hang out together and bought you an ice cream. on the way home i talked to her about what really happen between us. we enjoy every single thing we do but there's always something that feels not right in each of us. and i said how about we end this up, i've been tired having so much fight with you, it seems not right at all. she looked upset, she kept her voice in silence. then she said, i dont know i'm tired, i just wanna lay down on my bed.
I hold her hand staring in the eyes

I just wanna say thanks for all the time you've shared, all the things you've done, all the attention you gave me. i really appreciate that. and i'm really sorry for letting you down. i hope you'll find a guy that fits to you, who can understand your thoughts and the things you're up to.
whatever happens, happens. you've tried your best, let your heart move on.